I sit here at my computer pondering life. It’s one of those things I have to do from time-to-time. I question myself, who I am, what I love, why I am the way I am. I often feel that I’m two people in one. Not in the clinically insane, mentally ill type of way; but more like a past self meets with present self. I often wonder if my life didn’t change the way it did, where I would be.
Would I be an artist? A writer? A teacher? Perhaps I would have been a drug addict. The way my life was headed, that doesn’t seem like a too far-fetched place for me. Would I be married? I am not sure of that either. If my life hadn’t changed, it is likely I would have been married multiple times, but perhaps, I would never have been married and just had a lot of baby’s fathers. I really don’t know.
Sometimes I question what broke inside of me that finally made me strong. Perhaps I was strong all along and just needed to take a moment of weakness to wake me up. I am not sure of that either. There are times when I am unsure if I made the right choices. Was social work really the right career choice for me? I long to be a writer, perhaps I made a mistake taking a practical route. However, I love teaching college classes, maybe I should have attempted to be an educator full time.
I love deeply and feel passionately. I don’t cry very often, unless it is involving a book or movie. I see strength in people and strive to help everyone. I am creative and wear my heart on my sleeve, however, I am also “hard” and extremely straight-forward. I do not avoid conflict and this can often confuse people. I tend to shock people with what I say, but then I have learned to value people regardless of the mistakes they have made.
My goal in life is to help others, but also to help myself. I am forever changing, growing, and learning. I will not quit loving people, but I will also love myself. My children come before society, but people come before myself. I allow myself to feel pain, this is not weakness, but strength. I will also allow myself to make mistakes, they build character. I do not allow people to take advantage of me, nor do I allow myself to take advantage of others.
I am not sure where my life is headed, or what God is calling me to do, but I do know that I have a lot of passion for people and for life. I feel for this society, I am saddened by how people have given up and lost hope. I know how that feels and whether it be through teaching, writing, or through social work, I strive to show people that life is awesome. I would like to live my life giving people hope for theirs.