A Conflict of Interest

The feeling of his lips against mine caused my flesh to rise in agony. I wanted nothing more but to scream the vulgarities I tasted forming on the tip of my tongue. To shout them with all the crazed passion, the anger, the hurt that I was feeling.

I hated him. I knew in my mind that was not close to the truth. I just hurt– a lot.

I knew he’d been talking about it, but I never knew he’d follow through with it. He talks about a lot of things that he doesn’t follow through with. Just last month he mentioned cleaning out the basement. My basement hasn’t been touched. How was I supposed to know that he was actually sincere and not just shooting the breeze?

Shooting. Ha! Something I can’t even consider the same way again. Shooting. Sounds easy, but then when you think about it, it’s a whole different story when he’s the intended target.

To take a bullet for someone; to willingly put your life on the line for another human, one that you barely know, is that considered stupidity or heroic? Is he depressed and just looking for an excuse to leave the world behind, or is he so convicted that his own life no longer matters? Am I that bad of a wife that he’s willing to die to get rid of me? I’d much rather have him file for divorce, at least that way he could still see his kids.

Am I a bad person because I want him to stay? Is it wrong for me to hope and pray constantly that he changes his mind? Am I being selfish? Do I beg him not to go, or do I support his decisions? How many tears are right to shed? Do I try and keep strong and turn hard, or do I bawl like a blubbering idiot, the way I feel now?

As I look at my husband and contemplate his choices in life, it’s my choice to stand behind him one hundred percent or to let him go alone. We don’t always like the choices our spouses make, nor can we control our spouses and demand specific decisions for them, however, we do have control over how we respond to those decisions.

The feeling of his lips against mine caused my flesh to rise in agony, so I held him closer to me and kissed him deeply, holding onto that feeling as long as I could.


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