Breaking the Shell of Life

Many people discuss butterflies and how they are symbolic for growth. I totally see that. Going from larvae, to chrysalis, to stretching out into a beautiful butterfly. It’s amazing really. I hear that if one were to help a butterfly out of its cocoon then it won’t be able to fly because it hasn’t gained its strength. Amazing, how each detail entails such a pertinent part in growth and development.

Unfortunately for me, I don’t visualize my life as that of a butterfly. I wish I were that fortunate. My life is not so pristine, so brilliant, and definitely not as beautiful. No. I envision my growth to be like that of an egg. A grimy, disgusting, hatching process that when complete, is a matted, slimy, goofy looking creature, which then starts to grow.

I was once a clean, whole, solid egg. Over the years, I have had parts taken away from me. This was the hatching process. Little by little, piece by piece, my true colors would peak through the broken pieces. If I were to become scared, I would hide beneath the shell of safety. Slowly and carefully I would expose myself to the air of reality for mere moments at a time.

Today, was the first time in years that I decided to purposefully crack the egg myself. I actually took a big chunk of it out and as I’m writing this, I am feeling the chills of the cold air shivering over my exposed body.

I saw my doctor today and explained to him that I needed some things to change. I decided that perhaps it was time to look at treatment for narcolepsy, after of course we check the thyroid. Additionally, I handed him my knee and said, “Fix this. I’m only 35, I shouldn’t feel like I’m 65. I need to be playing softball again!” Then I looked at my feet and humbly stated, “I’d like to lose weight when all is said and done.”

Surprisingly, my doctor smiled at me and said, “I wondered when you’d come around. It’s taken you long enough.” When he took gluten away from me, I didn’t feel vulnerable, I was sick. This is vulnerability at its highest. I was grateful when he said he wasn’t going to start me on a diet. I will say that with sincerity. Due to my history with athletics and my history due to hypersomnia, he believes my weight will come off with the treatment of the other two problems. However, if it doesn’t, then a diet will then be in order. Honestly, that’s good news. I love to hike, run around, and play sports- however, with bone on bone in the knee- it’s a task to even walk.

The strange thing is, after I tucked my tail between my legs and humbly asked my doctor for help, I left his office feeling hopeful. I have a spark of energy (in between naps of course). I feel like this is a start to a new and improved life for me. I got the writing itch, which for me is a fantastic sign.

So, on that note, I am still chipping away at my shell; however, I am sure if you look close enough you should be able to see a little bit of matted fuzz where I was once hiding. Who knows, one day I will toddle out of the small, broken pieces and eventually turn into a beautiful but cranky swan. Until then, I still have some cleaning up of my feathers to do.