There is a bad habit that I caught myself participating in recently. It stems from frustration, hurt, exhaustion, lack of ambition, and just a small string of hope.
I find myself asking God to please do X for me, and I will do X for him.
Life doesn’t work like that.
I like to compare myself to Solomon, David, and Thomas. Truly, I’m not conceited. However, I find myself really appreciating each of their weaknesses and more-so, their strengths. I often hear myself saying, “Okay God, if you gave me one thing in the world, I am not sure that I would ask for wisdom, however, I would consider that if I could just have…”
I can envision God sitting there, on a throne, listening to me, finger and thumb stroking the bridge of his nose and shaking his head. Yes, I have a lot to learn.
I find myself entranced by wishful thinking, asking God to give me a sign if I’m headed in the right direction- you know the direction that HE planned for me. The direction that I’m SUPPOSED to be going. I get frustrated when I don’t receive said sign.
That’s when I question my life. “Am I headed in the WRONG direction? Perhaps God doesn’t like playing these games with me? Maybe I need to stop constantly needing spiritual reassurance.”
Most people I know don’t believe in God. Though they don’t mind that I do, it’s just that when I discuss this concept with them, the idea is totally abstract and they say something philosophical or logical.
“You choose what you are supposed to be doing.” Or, “Build your own fate. If you believe in yourself, you’re doing the right things.”
I love these concepts, but they are unfulfilling to me. I am more spiritual than that. I seek guidance. I trust in my senses. I believe in gifts from the spirit. I believe in angels and demons and though I realize and can rationalize why others do not believe this way, my mind is made up. I just do and I am okay not having the most popular belief system. I’ve never fit in with the majority, I’m not looking to start now.
However, that doesn’t ease my burden. My brain is smart and my heart feels. I realize life has ups and downs, I fully accept that. The problem is, I want strict and real guidance. I want to be told precisely what my purpose is on earth, how to do it, why I’m here to do this, and I would like to do it now, before my time runs up.
Sometimes I ask God for a sign and I am blatantly asking for something to be written down on a board and flying in the air above my head that says, “Nina, you must do this. -God.” I feel like that would help me out a ton.
Instead, I have worry. Stress. Frustration. Impatience. Fear. Confusion. More stress. I constantly feel I must learn and do more. I have a continual feeling of unfulfillment. I don’t mind hard work, I just want to know what EXACTLY to work for.
So again, I find myself bargaining with God…