Some could find this humor offensive (It’s PG 13) so please disregard this message. For the rest of you…
This is the first SNEAK PEEK into my newest book, ‘Perfectly Matched’ by Christina Cooper.
George announced the winners, and I wasn’t too surprised to see that it was Q-tip and some of the people from my work. I figured that this was a game that some of the younger people had an easier time with. They’ve probably played it before. I watched Mother Goose, Ellen, Rena, and Heather, all high-fiving each other. It was amazing to me the comradeship that happens during a game like that.
“Okay everyone. Thanks for playing the games with us. How about we all grab a seat as we watch Norma and Evan open up the gifts that we got them!” George grinned. I glanced at the table and after seeing all of the lingerie store bags, I began to blush.
“Shouldn’t we do this at home?” I asked. This is the first co-ed bridal shower I’ve ever experienced. I wasn’t sure how I felt opening up lingerie in front of old men.
“Nope.” Rena said. Evan was shaking his head. He seemed to be prepared for this. George winked at me as he mouthed the word, ‘no.’
“You’ve got to do it now.” He said. My face was beat red, but apparently, that didn’t matter too much. Rena passed the gifts out to me, one at a time. Mother Goose recorded who got me what.
I received bag after bag of nightgowns and robes. All of them in different colors and prints. That wasn’t too embarrassing. Every now and then Evan would grin and give me a thumbs up. I was learning a lot about Evan. He seemed to really like lace.
I also received a lot of houseware items. From cookie sheets to blenders, to smoothie makers, and cake pans, I got my fair share of kitchen utensils, bathroom supplies, and bed sheets as well. His parents got us 1000 thread count cotton sheets that felt like silk and a comforter and pillow shams to match. I thought that was a bit much for a shower, those were the kinds of gifts I expected at a wedding. Heck, no one would see me complain though. I also received a ton of gift cards. Some were from big named stores such as Meijer and Walmart, however, others were for the smaller named lingerie shops.
Everything was going really smooth until I opened a small present. I didn’t know who it came from, there was no ticket or card and nobody fessed up to who bought it. However, apparently it was the gift of the night. I could see George planting that one in there just for the laughs. Either way, I opened it up and it was a bright pink pair of edible underwear. My face turned hot. Evan laughed. Rena was hysterical. But that wasn’t the embarrassing part. The embarrassing part was when one of the older people piped in.
“What’s that?” They asked.
“Well those are edibles.”
“You mean marijuana?”
“No! Edible underwear!”
“Well who the hell wants to eat some underwear!”
“They’re good. You’re supposed to eat them!”
“Underwear? Never in my life would I ever consider eating a pair of someone’s nasty draws.”
“They are food.”
“Who wants to eat that kind of food?”
“Oh you fool, they are like cotton candy. It’s a gimmick.”
“Well is she supposed to wear them?”
“She can if she wants.”
“That would taint them.”
“They couldn’t possibly taste any good.”
“Let me see.” That was the conversation between random seniors in the crowd. My friends were in hysterics. My face was purple. Rena was bent over laughing. The tears were streaming down her face. My parents and Evan’s parents were each holding their face together, but you could see the snickers. Naturally, it took my grandmother to make it worse.
“Norma, give me those things. Will ya?” She reached out her hand to me. “I’m going to show them what they’re like. I’ll buy ya another pair if you want.” I quickly shook my head no. I didn’t want another pair, but even if I did, there was no way I was going to tell her that. Evan was biting his lower lip trying to contain his laughter.
“Here, taste these.” It was at that moment, my edible underwear were being passed from person to person, each person taking a bite out of them. I swear if I didn’t have all these witnesses watching this, nobody would have believed me. It would have been hilarious if this moment happened to someone else. But, because it was me, I was mortified.