There are moments in life that leave us breathless. Sometimes in a good way- where you are so excited that breathing just doesn’t occur to you. Then there are the times that aren’t good, where breathing physically hurts and can be emotionally draining.
One day everything can make sense. You start out a little confused, but carefully you weave the details in and out of your mind and somehow it all just fits. Confusion turns to happiness, happiness turns to excitement. You think you’re being smart, even logical, but when the other shoe falls, you’re taken off-guard. That’s when your life gets flipped and leaves you too stunned to realize what is supposed to happen next.
It happens quickly. Unexpectedly. I always talk about the calm before the storm. The calm is where I was. The tsunami hit me with no warning. There was a ‘This is too good to be true’ flash that goes through your brain and then when you realize you were right, you wonder, was mind over matter what caused this? Did I do it to myself? Rationality says, not a chance. Emotions tend to disagree.
People call and want you to talk. Talking is the last thing you feel like doing. It hurts. You feel kind of stupid. What do you say? “Everything is fine, thanks for asking?” You don’t feel fine. You feel naïve, perhaps even ridiculous for caring. It’s hard to smile when inside you’ve got a thousand things going on.
Thursday we were going to announce it, but Thursday isn’t coming. The miscarriage happened last night. I don’t know if we’ll try again or not. He wants to, in reality I do too, but I’m afraid. How much can you do things to yourself before you need to give in and say enough is enough? The hysterectomy is coming closer. It’s a strange reality when the doctors tell you this is going to happen. When they say if you’re going to try you need to now. You experience this and you start to see the reality of it all.
Regardless, this is how I deal. I write. Sometimes I write till my hands are so sore I can’t bend them. Sometimes, I write just a little. Either way, this is me and my today.